Hey yall and Happy Wednesday!! Welcome back to Young, Black and Beautiful!! Tonight we’re going to partake in part 2 of our 3 part series, Love Yourself Love. Part 2 is speaking on loving your mind. Tonight I’m going to share a part of my own personal mind struggles and share some tips with you all on how to love and care for yourself mentally, so let’s get to it.
I’ve always had my down moments, much like everyone else. But my down was a little different. My hurt was different. It stemmed from the guilt that I felt about my mom’s passing. My mom passed a week after I was born and it’s something that I’ve never truly gotten over to this day. This is the 1st time I’ve ever admitted that to anyone outside of therapy. So I tried to use different things to cover it up. I mostly used humor, I’m naturally corny and goofy. I’ve learned to laugh and make others laugh to mask my pain. But 1 thing about pain and depression, if left untreated they don’t go away.
The depression started around January 2014. I had just graduated from college and while I should have been on top of the world, I was at my absolute lowest. I didn’t want to get out of bed most days. It wasn’t because I was sleepy, it was because I didn’t see a reason to get up. I stopped hanging out and talking to my friends. Not because anyone had made me mad or done anything to offend me, I just didn’t have the energy to pretend anymore. I stopped going to church. Not because I didn’t believe in God anymore, but because I didn’t believe in myself. Once I graduated from college, I thought the job offers would pour in and it would be absolutely no problem getting a full time position. I had even started applying for jobs a month before graduation. But then the rejection letters and emails started pouring in. One after another after another. This is the part of college that no one talks about, how hard it can be to find employment post graduation.
I’ve never been 1 to deal with rejection well. In fact, its something that I absolutely HATE. Rejection has always made me feel that I was not good enough, whether I was qualified or not. So once the rejections started coming in, I got severely depressed. I was working odd and end jobs to pay the bills that I had and I felt like a complete failure. But being the Superwoman that I thought I was, I suffered in silence. Nobody knew what I was going through. On the outside I was still bubbly, smiling goofy Tiara but on the inside I was hollow and detached from everything. I honestly didn’t care about 1 day to the next because in my mind I had nothing to live for. Do you know how hard it is to be surrounded day in and day out by people but crying out for help isn’t an option?? Admitting that I was feeling things that I didn’t want to feel was not an option. I didn’t want to be labeled as “crazy” or looked at sideways or stereotyped as we as the black community so often are quick to do. So I did what many of us do, I continued to put on a front and cry when no one was watching.
August of 2014 I was still suffering from severe depression. I had just celebrated my 24th birthday and I honestly didn’t even want to celebrate my day. I went to dinner with 1 of my close friends and that was that. Still no one knew what I was going through and I planned to keep it that way. I had gotten a job cleaning offices in 2 warehouses and was a part time nanny. I was going back and forth to Birmingham applying for and taking tests for jobs but still had nothing. Then I had a health scare. I felt a knot in my left breast and an ultrasound showed a growing mass. All I could think was OK God, so this is how my story goes? Have I not suffered enough in my life? I ended up having surgery to have the mass removed and had to wait about 3 weeks for test results to come back to say if it was cancerous or not. All I could think during that time was I just graduated from college, I haven’t gotten a real job or gotten married and now this. My results came back and the mass was non-cancerous. I should have been happy and turning over a new leaf right?? WRONG!!
By January 2015 I still didn’t have a full time job, I was still cleaning the offices and I was just getting by. I wasn’t sleeping at night, I would get home from work at 9pm and stay up til 3 or 4am and only sleep about 4 or 5 hours. I would eat only once a day when I absolutely had to. I only prayed when I applied for jobs, I only went to church about 1 Sunday a month if that just for apparences. My friends all seemed to be living their best lives and I didn’t want to bother or burden them with my problems. So every time someone would ask me how I was, everything was just fine with a smile….all while still silently crying out for somebody to see that I wasn’t fine at all. I started my current job in April of 2015. That helped my depression a little bit because finally I was able to provide for myself and things were finally starting to turn around. But I still had other underlying issues.
I never fully dealt with my mother’s passing. Even though I never had the opportunity to meet my mother, she was still my mother. I used to envy all of my friends and the relationships they had with their moms and honestly I still do. My grandmother and aunts were great role models and my grandparent were the best parents that I could have ever asked for, my grandmother is still the best BUT there was still a void in my life. As a child, it didn’t really bother me but as I got older that void kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. That’s when I realized that this wasn’t something that I could just pray away, I needed some help to deal with this. That’s when I made the best decision that I could have ever made in my life, I started going to therapy. A lot of people don’t believe in therapy….my bad, a lot of black people don’t believe in therapy. Especially how I was raised. Nobody in my family talked about struggling mentally or asked if you ever needed to talk about anything. Not because they didn’t care, but because it just wasn’t understood. But there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING THE HELP THAT YOU NEED.
I will be the 1st one to tell you, therapy probably saved my life. Had it not been for being able to talk to someone who understood me and my struggles and didn’t judge me, I don’t know where I would be today. Mental health struggles are REAL and never let anyone tell you that they aren’t. People are quick to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you, just go to church and talk to the Lord about it. And there is nothing wrong with going to church and praying but nobody can tell you how to handle your issues. Depression, post-partum depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts….they are all very real. And you are not alone in this. Millions of people suffer from these issues and others daily. If you feel that you need help, please get it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There are trained professionals that are out there to listen to you and help you in anyway that they can. Listen, nobody else can tell you what’s going on in your mind. So don’t make decisions for your mind based on people who probably couldn’t care 1 way or the other if you were suffering or not. But not everyone wants to seek help and that’s understandable.
I’m going to give you some tips that I’ve learned that have helped me on my path of healing. 1. SPEAK POSITVITY OVER YOURSELF. Do daily affirmations of positive words and tell yourself that you can and will get through this. 2. MEDITATE AND SPEND SOME QUIET, ALONE TIME WITH YOURSELF. Often times we get so busy that we totally ignore ourselves. Take time out for yourself even if it’s only for a few minutes a day to just listen to your inside voice and become 1 with yourself. 3. LEARN TO LET OTHERS IN. You are not alone in this. Tell others when everything is not OK. I know it’s hard to admit our weaknesses sometimes, I struggle with this myself but surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you and allow them to help. 4. GET OUT AND GET SOME FRESH AIR. The days I stayed cooped up in the house were the worse. I would just lay in bed and have whoa is me days. DON’T DO THAT. Go outside and look around. Look at all of God’s precious creations and appreciate them and you. 5. LET GO OF NEGATIVITY. Whether it be family, friends, things, or feelings…let go of anything negative that is holding you back or holding you down. Negative beings are like boulders tied to you, they will weigh you down and eventually drown you. Rise above. 6. SEEK HELP IF YOU NEED IT. Just being able to vent to someone and have them help you can work wonders for your life. If you need the help, PLEASE give it a try.
Love yourself love, love your mind, body and soul. No one can love you like you can love you. I promise you that you are not alone and please don’t ever think that you are. If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open. Drop me an email at tiarab.reads@gmail.com. I’m not a pro by far, but I’m a pretty good listener. As usual, someone out here loves you and so do I.
Tons of cyber hugs and kisses…..until next time remember to inspire, enlighten and encourage someone.
XOXOXO, Tiara B.
Young, Black and Beautiful 